Monday, August 25, 2008

In Other Noticias/News no. 1

As a child I hated anything on TV that didn’t involve cartoons (G.I. Joes, Voltron, Thundercats, Bravestar, Silver Hawks, Ducktales, Bionic Six...ok i'll stop), a cool sitcom (Different Strokes, Happy Days, Webster, Silver Spoons, Facts of Life, Saved by the Bell, Charles in Charge), or sports (of course the AMAZIN' METS; yup, the METS. I’ve been a METS fan since I was 5 yrs old, don’t hate). I would practically get a nervous breakdown if anything else was showing on our 26 inch Zenith Television with the wooden frame that weighed 3,000 pounds; especially the NEWS. Are you kidding me, the news? (believe it or not this wooden framed TV, was a must have in every Dominican household, don't ask me why...look at that cute kid up there. That was before all of the appetite enhancers! And yes, we continue to put plastic covering on our couches) Man, I don’t know what was worse for a child during after school hours, being asked to do your homework before anything else, even breathing; being told to take a trip to the corner bodega for wonder bread, a dollar worth of American cheese and a half-gallon of whole milk (none of that skim crap) while you were watching Thunder Cats; or having to bare the torment of watching Rafael Pineda and Denise Oller (two of the most famous Latin anchors in Spanish TV HISTORY…for like FOREVER!) for half-an-hour, as they reported the local news…IN SPANISH!!!! OMG! Hang me! But, something funny began to occur as I grew older. I actually began to enjoy some local news, some current affairs, a little NY1 here, and even a little UNIVISION there. I also became interested in world news, and “weird” news, as I like to call it. I was highly interested in the unusually; things that occurred that were a bit out of the ordinary. From these “out of the ordinary” stories, I decided to create an addition to this blog titled “In Other Noticias/News”. Every once in a while I’ll write about these creepy, funny, scary, and out of the ordinary reports and I’ll try to keep it interesting and current. Enjoy!

Tuesday August 19th, 2008: “Dead Man Standing?”

If you were granted one last wish on your death bed, what would you ask for? Would you have any special requests for the day of your wake? Or would you feel too young to begin planning the way to “go” when it was time to “go”? Well the person or former person in our first story made sure he had everything planned out; with every detail. This is the story of a 24 yr old man from San Juan, Puerto Rico; The man once known as Angel Pantoja Medina, but who is currently known to the media as “Dead Man Standing”. If you haven’t heard this unique and “creepy” story, stay tuned for this one. It is reported that Angel Pantoja Medina, made a special request to his loved ones. The request, that in the event of his death, and for his wake, he preferred to be placed in the upright position or “standing”, for everyone to see. Yup, once again, not a typo folks. The young man dreamed of being watched, at his wake, by family and friends, in the upright position…or in the “Chillin” position, with hands in his pockets and all. Unfortunately for Angel, his dream, or wish, however you may want to call it, was fulfilled a bit too soon. Angel was discovered dead last Friday, buried underneath a bridge. Puerto Rico police are still investigating this case. At the time of his untimely death, his mother went along with her son’s request and found a funeral home, that promised to carry out this feat, and that they surely did. If you take a moment to view the pictures to the left, although I know you’ve done that already, you’ll witness the images of Angel, or the corpse of, dressed up in his favorite Yankees baseball cap, his favorite pair of Dolce-Gabbana sunglasses, a designer shirt and some baggy jeans. Thanks to a special embalming treatment, the body was kept upright in one of the corners of his mother’s home, for 3 days of viewing (omg, that’s so creepy. who slept in that house?). According to El Nuevo Dia newspaper, the “Dead Man Standing’s” brother, Carlos (seen here kissing Angel), disclosed that Angel had always said that he wanted to be upright for his own wake. Carlos said “We use to talk about this stuff. He said he wanted to be happy, standing, ready to party when it was his time.” OK? But things don't end there, according to Primer Impacto, in addition to his wake request, Angel also requested that he not be watched during his burial, so that everyone's final memory of him, would be of him standing, "happy". It is reported that no one, not even his immediate family, watched as he was lowered 6 feet under, keeping their promise. Woe?

August 06th, 2008: Chinese man found humping a bench: “Me Love you long time?”

Women always say that men have two heads, and that we’re always thinking with the “other one”. I can’t seem to blame them, but I think a lot of us just do; I plead the 5th (hehe). Some time ago, an article was published that stated that men think about sex every 7 seconds; well that’s a little too crazy don’t you think? A few years ago, UK’s own TIMESONLINE, featured an article where research by The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that 54% of men think about sex at least every day (yup!), 43% think about it a few times a week or month (umm…I’m still in that previous bracket), and 4% think about it once a month or less (what? And we’re speaking about live men right?). So, this study clearly shows one commonality here, men think about SEX, even if it’s only once a month (sike, sike, sike). Now, having put that behind us, I raise the following question, what was Mr. Xian Xing thinking about?

A few weeks ago, a 41-year-old Hong Kong man by the name of Xian Xing, was found stuck to a bench. Not because he was “crazy glued” to it, or holding on to it in protest of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, or because he was nailed to it, No!, BUT BECAUSE HE WAS ACTUALLY NAILING IT! Yes, my friends, the 41-year-old man was caught humping a freaking bench in the middle of the night. According to the lonely man apparently thought it would be fun, or even satisfying I might add, to place his “thingy” in one of the numerous holes found in the bench’s design, and perform the act of SEX. To his dismay, when his “thingy-wingy” became aroused (no homo), he was stuck to the uniquely designed and “tempting” bench (please view Exhibit A up above). Now found in this “stiff” predicament, he was forced to phone the police for help. When the cops arrived, they found Xing face down where he had been for some time. When the doctors arrived to the scene, they tried different procedures to free him from “his love toy”, but his “thingy-wingy” was a bit to swollen (no homo). The team was forced to cut the entire bench off, and transport it to the nearest hospital, with Xing stuck to it. After four grueling hours, the staff of Doctors managed to free him. One of the doctors on the scene said that if he would have been stuck for even an hour longer, they would have had to remove his penis; how’s that for current affairs?

See Mr. Xing leaving the Hospital after his embarrassing procedure. I bet he won't do that again; at least not with the same bench.

Now, giving this scene a little comical flip, can you imagine that phone call? I can, and it probably went a little something like this: (now I don’t know Mandarin or Cantonese, so I’ll role play this scene in English).

Xing: Ah, police-ah?
Police: Yes, this-ah police-ah?

Xing: Me have ah hard problem…
Police: Wha’ hard problem you have?
Xing: A very, very hard one!
Police: Plea’ explain-ah

Xing: Me very lonely man you see…

Police: Yes, you lonely man…

Xing: (clearing his throat, and maybe crying) Um…Me ova here in LanTian park righ?

Police: Righ?
Xing: And-
ah, me wanna do a quickie, wit da beautiful benchy righ?

Police: (with confusion)Uh.. Riiigh?

Xing: So, Me ah sticky, me peepe, in a benchy

Police: What-ah You-ah say?
Xing: Me ah, sticky ah, me peepee, in the benchy!

Police: So sowy, come again?

Xing: I got my d*ck stuck in one of these motherf&*king benches with all the f&*king holes!

Police: Oh shit! You didn’t? We’ll be right there….WITH EVERYBODY! (Click)

Man-o-man, what will they come up with next? Tune in next time for more Noticias/News!
Be Merry! Live, Love, and…don’t mess around with benches.


Mr Bru Cru said...


when I say that I have never laughed so fucking hard..I mean it son...well..Except when you did the Pope voice at 3am in my house...or when you said the hostess joke..anyway...Lmao0o

I was at work dying son...dude stuck his baby cock in a bench...thats sad..Id rather jerk off or pay for sex and risk herpes..then to risk getting my little me cut off..LOL

and the puerto rican dude..god bless who ever slept in that house those 3 days...that nigga was mentally impaired my man..I dont care what no1 says...he was retarded..LOL

Rest In Stance...LOL


JEGZ aka Black Casanova said...

OMG Zak, your comment had me in tears! Rest in Stance? lmao! That would've been a great way to end my blog. But, seriously, R.I.P, i don't want no bad karma coming my way lmao! Wow, that was funny!

So Yon said...

haha and weird at the same time.

question: how come two guys talking in their native tongue speak pidgin English? :)
i know, i know, so you can build up to the punchline at the end.

but get this: last week, a DDD employee who looked like an albino, who I never saw in my life before, got on the elevator and snidely remarked to his companion while looking at me "Ms. Pak, a new trainee.." to which I replied somewhat wearily, "not SO new". To which he replied, "Whoa! An Asian without an accent." So I glared at him as I asked "And WHO are you?"
He mumbled something as he got off the 5th floor.

Then, just my luck, the very next morning, after surviving being groped by a homeless man on the "E" train, I get on the elevator and there is the albino man. "YOU again," he snipes. "What's your real name?" I ask. "I told you my real name already. It's Segal, and I work on the 5th floor. See my ID?"

I ignore it and him. He hold the elevator door as he asks me "SO how many years ago did you come to the US?" To which I reply, "Not every Asian comes from a boat." End of interaction.

My manager got mad,as I related the lovely beginnings of my day, and wanted to speak with Segal's supervisor but I told him it was totally unnecessary. And, believe you me, I've had worse.

All this came up when I was discussing with a co-worker friend about movies that were good but still racist, like the original "King King" or "Sixteen Candles" and you-know-who , the foreign exchange student. Who knows? Maybe all Segal had to work with was movies and TV shows where 90% of Asians speak with heavy accents or do karate chops or devour men, as Lucy Liu seems to do in whatever role she's cast in.

So that's the end. I'll get off the soapbox,thanks for reading.

So Yon