Saturday, August 23, 2008

The year of the Aqua-Man aka Mr. Phelps

So, the USA women’s basketball team got the gold earlier today, by smacking the Aussie by 27 pts (92-65), and the men’s “Redeem Team” (derived from Dream Team), as they are called after losing an upset in Athens 2004, are bound to win their 2nd gold in the last three Olympics. Now, that’s good news, all is fine and dandy, and I’m truly proud of our nation. We've definitely brought some heat to this year’s events. But, for some odd reason, I feel there’s been something recently missing from these “Beijing 2008 Games”. Something feels really weird and I can’t seem to point it out. What could it be? I got it; the Olympics are AMAZINGLY boring without University of Michigan Alumni (even though they didn't let him swim after he landed an endorsement deal with speedo he-he; morons), and swimming phenom 23 year old Michael Phelps aka Mr. Aqua-Man (as I'll refer to him throughout this blog).

Who's Michael Phelps you may ask? Well, if you’ve just arrived to this country and by that matter shouldn’t be reading this blog, or you’ve been in a coma and on life support and just woke up TODAY, or, you live in a cave, in some strange location where there’s absolutely no human contact, (shit, even the Mayan know who Michael Phelps is), or if you’ve been kept hostage by some down-and-under stealth-mob, then you’re forgiven; but for the rest of you humanoids, shame-shame. In the event that you’ve missed it all, here's a snippet. Diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) as a child, his mom thought it would do him well to put his hyperactivity to good use, maybe some type of sport or physical activity; she chose SWIMMING! Boy-o-boy, did Ms. Phelps make the correct choice. Check his recent résumé: He’s obtained 14 total gold medals in the last two Olympics -all-time record; 8 gold medals at this year’s games surpassing Mark Spitz ’72-another record; and 16 total medals in the Olympics second only to Soviet gymnast Larissa Latynina; and he's only 23. Impressed? Let’s get a quick breakdown of the man that took the world by storm; maybe even by THUNDER STORM.

We’ll begin with Mr. Aqua-Man’s physique shall we? Body Type: 6’4” (76”), 200-205 pounds; Wingspan: 6' 7" (79”), yes, the measurement across his arms from tip-to-tip is taller than he is; Inseam: 32”; Shoe size: 14. According to an article from The Detroit News (, Mr. Aqua-man, is the closest thing to a mother-freaking human dolphin. He has hyper-mobility and/or flexibility throughout his whole body. What does that mean? The dude has double-jointed ankles, knees, wrists and elbows. Let me repeat this folks, he has DOUBLE-JOINTED ANKLES, KNEES, and WRISTS and ELBOWS! Oh my gooseness (as the folks from my country say). Wanna hear something freakier? Mr. Aqua-man’s “ankles bend about 10-15 degrees more than normal, to almost parallel with his leg at full extension, turning his feet into flippers.” Ed Reese, coach of the U.S. swim team in Beijing says “He’s a once-in-a-lifetime physical specimen.” If that's not enough, he has a bit of X-MEN in him. That's right, an X-MEN, like Wolverine, or if you're a Heroes fan like I am, he's a bit like Claire the cheerleader. Not that he can regenerate in an instant to gunshot wounds, or broken bones, and an atomic bomb, but the Dude, was tested some years ago, and it was found that his muscles recover remarkably fast between workout and races. Crazy right? And let’s not even mention his diet and workout regimen; Simply abnormal!

Depending on the day and what workout he has planned, Mr. Aqua-man can scarf down anywhere from 8,000-12,000 calories per day. That’s not a typo folks, it’s the real deal. That’s more than 4 to 6 times what the normal adult male in-takes on any given day; 4 to 6 TIMES! (If you read my previous blog on calorie count, you know this would really traumatize the nation). Let’s look at a typical “breakfast of champions” (and kids, you shouldn’t try this at home, this is done by a professional whose workout routine would make a Belmont Horse take a cigarette break). reports that it “starts off with three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise, five-egg omelet, two cups of coffee, three chocolate chip pancakes, three slices of French toast with powdered sugar, and, to top it all off, a bowl of grits… Now for the rest of the day, Phelps eats two pounds of pasta, two ham and cheese sandwiches smothered in mayo, an entire pizza, and then he washes it down with 2,000 calories worth of energy drinks.” Who would want to pick-up that bill? Yo no (not me)! Pete Bommarito, the director of performance and nutrition at Perfect Competition says “It’s one of the most insane things I’ve ever heard”.

It may sound insane to many, even to myself, but this outrageous meal plan, which is packed with carbohydrates for fuel, is done in preparation for his intense workout regimen; this dude burns it all off, or how else do you think he can maintain an approximate 8% of body fat. It is reported that Mr. Aqua-Man works out 5 hours a day, 6-7 days a week. While training, he swims an estimated 50 miles per week (that's about the same as swimming around the island of Manhattan...twice), and can burn up to 4,000 calories just in his warm-ups. During these 2008 Olympics he swam an approximate 25 miles and over 1,000 laps at Water Cube, including preliminary and semifinal heats. Why do I call this guy Mr. Aqua-Man? According to, he was reported as saying “My job is to be in the water and swim,”. He later admitted that without water, he does not know what he would be doing. Now if that's not an Aquaman talking, than i don't know what is. His schedule during the week? Eat, swim and sleep. He says "that's all I have time for". Hey Michael! Where are you man? Beijing ain't the same without you! Well, let's see what 2012 will bring. He'll be 27 by then, hmmm... U.S. swimmer and Olympic medalist Dana Torres was 41 at this year's showdown. Can you just imagine? Oh man, that's scary, I feel more medals coming along. Opponents please be scared...Be very scared.

Kinda looks like a freaking AQUAMAN to me. See the resemblance?

Big Ups Mon! Everything’s Irie (alright). Be Merry! Live, Love and Swim!
Oh, and give that man something to EAT!


Mr Bru Cru said...

Yo son..Dude won 8 Gold medals and 7 of them were with World Records..LOL

The Men's basketball won last night at 2:30am, fucking chinese time difference...I saw the whole game son, great fucking game, but the Spaniards lost...and Tears built up in my eyes as I watched the USA team Celebrate...LOL

But Michale Phelps was proclaimed the best Olympic Athlete ever...Not bad for a 23 yr old ADD Swimmer...


JEGZ aka Black Casanova said...

Lol, i'm proud of our team. It was a close game but we got the gold. And....Michael Phelps is from another planet lmao! USA! USA! USA!

viagra online said...

Phelps has been a great motivation for people who is interested in swimming.His eight gold medals were a new record for Olympic Games, and very difficult to overcome.